Blago, Bill Clinton and Barack Take Exam to Get Into Heaven-The Complete Manuscript

Blago, Bill(aka Slick Willy) and Barack were riding in a limousine on their way to a democratic party fundraiser in Chicago when a “Palin for President” campaign bus side swiped the limousine sending it over the guard rail and spiraling down into the Chicago river. All three politicians died in the accident. This is a faithful narrative of the events that followed.

 

Pearly Gates

Saint Peter: Welcome to the Pearly Gates.

Bill: Wow, I made it.

Saint Peter: Everyone makes it to the Pearly Gates, not everyone makes it into Heaven.

Blago: Why not? Don’t you know who you are talking to?

Saint Peter: You mean Slick Willy… of course I know who he is. After the Monica Lewinsky incident, we heard a lot from him.

Blago: I wasn’t talking about him, I was talking about this guy (pointing at Barack).

Saint Peter: Oh him… who’s he?

Barack: You don’t know me?

Saint Peter: No, can’t say I do.

Barack: That’s surprising because I’ m related to the Big Guy.

Saint Peter: Really.

Barack: Yeah… Messiah…Son of God…. Does that ring a bell?

Saint Peter: Didn’t know that Jesus had a younger brother.

Bill: He’s not the Messiah. He’s trying to blow smoke up your rear.

Saint Peter: Sounds like all three of you have been blowing smoke up a lot of rears lately.

Blago: What did I do? I didn’t blow smoke up anybody’s rear.

Barack: Are you kidding me?

Blago: I’m totally innocent of all charges against me.

Bill: Yeah right, and I didn’t have sex with that woman.

Saint Peter: Enough of the small talk, we have to get things moving. I am going to ask all of you one question. If you answer it correctly, you’re in.

 

Barack: Fair enough, fire away.

Saint Peter: Blago, you get the first question.

Blago: I’m ready.

Saint Peter:  Are you smarter than Sarah Palin?

Blago: Is this some sort of joke?

Saint Peter: No.

Blago: Well, I know that I got D’s in high school, but compared to Sarah Palin I’m a genius. Yes I am smarter than Sarah Palin.

A trap door opens up under Blago’s feet and he vanishes into the bowels of the earth.

Bill: Dumbass.

Saint Peter: Not as smart as he thought.

Barack: That wasn’t much of a secret. The guy was a moron.

Saint Peter: Bill, it’s your turn.

Bill: Give it to me.

Saint Peter: Are you smarter than Sarah Palin?

Bill: Well, the lady does have talents. She’s easy on the eyes and as you all know that counts for something in Billy Boy's book. But c’mon Peter, I’m a Rhodes scholar, Yale educated and a former President of the United States. That lady may be hot, but smart she is not. Without a doubt I’m smarter than Sarah Palin.

A trap door opens up under Bill’s feet and he vanishes into the bowels of the earth.

Barack: Are you serious? I know that Bill made some bone head moves, but dumber than Sarah Palin? Are you sure that’s true. Didn’t you see the Katie Couric interview?

Saint Peter: Katie who?

Barack: Wow, this is going to be tougher than I thought.

Saint Peter: Are you ready for your question.

Barack: I guess so.

Saint Peter: Are you smarter than Sarah Palin?

Barack: Well… Blago was a blockhead, but honestly, I still thought he was smarter than Palin. Bill…now he’s definitely smarter than Palin… but that didn’t seem to do him any good. This must be some sort of trick question. Is Palin smarter than me? I’m Harvard educated, a former editor of the Harvard Law Review and I just won the Presidential election. How could I not be smarter than that woman?

Saint Peter: Do you have an answer?

Barack: Don’t rush me, this question is tough.

Saint Peter: Sorry, take your time.

For the next five hours Barack deliberates, racking his mind, trying to discern the true intent of the question.

 

After five hours Sarah Palin suddenly appears.

Barack: What are you doing here?

Palin: Not sure.

Barack: You must have just died.

Palin: I guess so. The last thing I remember was smashing this black limo with my campaign bus and the next thing I know I’m here standing beside you.

Barack: It was your campaign bus that smashed into my limo?

Palin: Sorry, didn’t know it was you.

Saint Peter: Do you have an answer?

Barack: Yes I do.

Saint Peter: Well, what is it?

Barack: After careful consideration, I have come to a conclusion that it’s a trick question. Therefore my answer is no.

A trap door opens up underneath Barack’s feet and he is sucked down into the bowels of the earth.

Palin: Holy Alaskan moose crap, where did he go?

St. Peter: Into the bowels of the earth.

Palin: You mean Hell?

St. Peter: That’s what I mean.

Palin: What did he do to deserve that?

St. Peter: He answered the question incorrectly.

Palin: Am I going to get a question?

St. Peter: Yes.

Palin: Then I answer yes to the question.

St. Peter: Aren’t you going to wait for the question?

Palin: Why should I wait? If Barack said no and got it wrong, then I say yes. I may not know where Africa is, but I’m not an idiot?

St. Peter: Are you sure about that?

Palin: Yes.

A trap door opens up and Palin is sucked down into the bowels of the earth.

St. John appears beside St. Peter.

St. John: Are you ready for a break?

St. Peter: Sure, a break sounds good.

St. John: Did you open the trap door on anyone?

St. Peter: Sure did.

St. John: Were you playing with them again?

St. Peter: Yah, I asked each of them a question.

St. John: Did it matter how they answered?

St. Peter: Of course not, they were politicians.